The dating game is a complex dance of emotions, expectations, and power dynamics. While many of us hate the games, if you don’t play them, the chances of you getting screwed over are guaranteed.

That is why I tell my clients to avoid games as much as possible. Communication is key. However, sometimes you have to cut a guy off and be cold.

He has to learn his lesson.

In this article, I will explain why I believe being cold is the best way to make a guy regret the dumb s*** he did and hope he will return to learn his lesson.

The Power Play: Understanding Dynamics in Relationships

Every relationship, whether romantic or otherwise, involves a subtle interplay of power. In the initial stages of dating, a man typically takes on the role of the pursuer, courting the woman with attention, affection, and investment.

As the relationship progresses, this power dynamic shifts, ideally settling into a balanced state where both partners feel valued and respected.

Unfortanately, that’s not always the case. Men start to play games in order to get an “advantage” over you. They may do thing such as:

• Invest less but still expect the same assets

• Pull away

• Have you chase

• Become inconsistent

• Not be clear with intentions and beat around the bush

• Not put in the effort or courtship they once did

If a man is doing this, and it’s at your expense, you should talk. If it keeps happening, you must address it one last time and if he doesn’t change, you walk. You must be cold.

The Chilling Effect: Why Being Cold Is The Best Thing

Being cold, or withholding affection and attention, can be a powerful tool in dating, but it’s crucial to understand its potential benefits and drawbacks.

Despite these drawbacks, the logic and reasoning behind it, combined with my knowledge of how dating psychology works, convinces me that being cold is the most effective way to create change.

Pros:

• Clarity: When a man is not meeting your needs or taking you for granted, coldness can serve as a wake-up call. It forces him to question his actions and re-evaluate his behavior. It can also provide you with clarity about his true intentions and level of investment. I know this sounds like common sense but you must understand a man has NO REASON to reflect on ANYTHING if he doesn’t feel the repercussions to his actions. It’s your JOB to hold that structure in order for him to feel he has made the wrong decisions and reflect on them.

• Self-respect: Coldness can be a way to establish boundaries and demonstrate self-respect. It shows that you’re not willing to tolerate being mistreated or undervalued and that you have standards for how you expect to be treated. Again, common sense but you get out of life what you negotiate and if you think a guy is just going to invest in you overly, that’s not how dating works. Maybe if you’re his girl, sure. But if you’re dating and he’s already playing games, he will push his advantage and see what he can get away with.

• Upholds Structure: I always say that Mother Nature has a way she wants things to work. It’s very mechanical. From an evolutionary perspective, there is NO way a woman should be giving a guy chances and free sex if he hasn’t earned it. If you don’t believe me, look up “Parental Investment Theory” which states:

What does this mean for you? You lose a lot more than men by choosing the wrong mate. If this was ancestral times, choosing the wrong mate (a guy who hits and quits, can’t provide, etc) means:

• You need more resources for you and the child

• You risk health conditions

• You expend more energy because of the child you’re bearing

• Other men ostracize you

• A village will need to help you which means you’re taking a lot of resources instead of giving

I know this sounds ridiculous, but our brains still go by this today. That’s why women get courted, want men to invest, and care more about communication, compatibility, depth, rapport, and so on, while men are superficial.

Cons: Misinterpretation and Missed Opportunities

• Misinterpretation: Coldness can be easily misinterpreted. A man may see your withdrawal as disinterest or a lack of affection, leading to further misunderstandings and conflict. This is why I am a big believer in communication first. Never be cold just to be cold.

• Damage to connection: Using coldness too early or as a form of payback can damage the emotional connection and create resentment. It’s important to use this tactic judiciously and with clear communication. This is why I think it should be used more towards the end and as a last resort.

• Loss of opportunity: If you’re cold without explaining your reasons, you risk pushing a man away and missing out on a potentially genuine connection. You should never be cold without explaining why you’re cold. Or at least, it’s obvious why you’re pulling back.

The Cold Shoulder: When to Employ It

Coldness is not a strategy to be employed lightly. It should be reserved for specific situations and used with intention and self-awareness.

• Last Resort: Coldness should only be used after other attempts to communicate your needs and desires have failed. If you’ve clearly expressed your expectations and he’s still not meeting them, then it may be time to step back and create some distance.

• Clear Communication: Coldness should always be accompanied by clear communication. Explain to him why you’re pulling away and what you need from him to re-engage.

• Self-awareness: Before resorting to coldness, reflect on your own motivations. Are you acting out of insecurity, a desire for control, or a genuine need for respect and validation?

The Game of Risk: Weighing the Rewards and Consequences

Being cold is a calculated risk. It can lead to clarity and self-respect, but it also carries the potential for loss and missed opportunities.

• Risk of Loss: By withholding affection and attention, you risk losing the man’s interest altogether. He may interpret your coldness as a lack of interest and move on. You SHOULD never be punishing someone by being cold. You’re not cold to punish someone and get them to change. You’re cold to them because you value your time and don’t want to waste it. You tried to work with them and they are unable to change and value your wants and needs.

• Reward of Clarity: When used effectively, coldness can force a man to confront his own behavior and realize the value of what he stands to lose. It can also give you the clarity you need to make informed decisions about the relationship.

Remember, the goal is not to manipulate or punish a man. It’s to create a healthy dynamic where both partners feel valued and respected. If coldness leads to resentment or further misunderstanding, it may be a sign that the relationship is not built on a solid foundation.

The Art of Coldness: Doing it Right

Being cold doesn’t mean being cruel or unkind. It’s about creating space and setting boundaries while maintaining dignity and self-respect.

• Be consistent: If you decide to be cold, stick to your decision. Don’t send mixed signals by alternating between warmth and withdrawal. If he knows you’re waiting for him to change instead of actually being done with him, he knows he has you.

• Focus on yourself: Use this time to prioritize your needs and well-being. Engage in activities that bring you joy and fulfillment.

• Communicate clearly: If he reaches out, be clear and direct about your expectations. Explain what he needs to do to regain your trust and affection. After that, please don’t respond to his text unless he’s BEGGING to be in a relationship and change his ways.

• Be prepared to walk away: If he’s unwilling to make the necessary changes, be prepared to leave the relationship. You deserve someone who values and respects you.

Conclusion

The “cold shoulder” can be a powerful tool in dating, but it’s essential to use it wisely and with self-awareness. Coldness is not about playing games or manipulating a man’s emotions. It’s about establishing boundaries, demanding respect, and ensuring that you are valued in a relationship.

Ultimately, the best way to attract and keep a man is to be authentic, communicate your needs clearly, and never settle for less than you deserve. If a man truly values you, he will be willing to try to meet your expectations and make you feel loved and appreciated. If not, then it’s time to move on and find someone who will.

If you want to work with me 1:1 to discuss your situation with men, click here. I’d love to help.