On average, it takes three months for a guy to feel regret and start missing you. During this time, he will go through a crazy roller coaster of emotions that will leave him wondering if he made the right decision. 

I will break down everything he thinks about while you’re away. From laying in bed wondering if he made the right decision to watching other couples walk around and realizing you were a great girlfriend. 

You will know exactly how his brain works and have him running back like an idiot. That means he:

• Regrets his decision.

• Feels like an idiot.

• Will come back and initiate.

• Realize your value.

•  Beg.

You need to understand what a man thinks when he’s away, especially if you hope to get him back and have him realize he made a mistake. The benefits you get from knowing how a man processes these decisions are:

• Having a better understanding of when he’s going to return.

• Knowing how to tackle the situation best.

• Preparing the right questions to ask him when he returns.

• Staying out of your head and overthinking because you have his playbook.

• Knowing his step-by-step play at all times. What he’s doing, why he’s doing it, and so on.

However, before I get into what he’s thinking about when he pulls away, it’s just as essential to go over what he’s thinking before pulling away and the real reason that led him to leave. This information sets everything else up, so we will start here.

Uncertainty Leads To Curiosity

Follow this basic pattern of human exploration:

Humans are very adaptable. We adapt to our surroundings based on two things: to avoid pain and to seek pleasure. 

Curiosity is the driver that makes us seek things out, whether that be solutions, pleasure, or putting ourselves in better situations. It’s a primary driver that gets from Point A to Point B.

All human interactions with each other and the environment are based on this. The sooner you realize this, the better you will understand humans. Just like I mentioned above, when it comes to relationships: 

The ultimate goal is to have a man go down the rabbit hole with you, but once he has you, his curiosity must stop.

How do we create curiosity? There are several ways:

• Slow down the pace when he’s trying to speed it up.

• Don’t show as many IOI (indicators of interest). These signs you give off tell him he has our full attention.

• Don’t sleep with him early.

• Create mystery.

• Reveal to him we have what he’s looking for (just be a confident, high-value, fun, attractive woman). If you’re what he’s looking for, curiosity will stop.

If you want to understand the game better, how it works, and what men are ultimately looking for, I highly suggest you get my 9 Guides on Male Psychology and Modern Dating. 

You can get the link here. If you’d like to work with my 1:1, that link is here.

The trick is to get him curious about you. Curiosity leads to investment and effort. If he does this to get more “information” on where you stand regarding interest, that’s a good sign. From there, we want to keep his interest by being the missing puzzle piece he was looking for.

He’s Starting To Pull Away: It Begins

When a man does pull away or start to act differently, it’s because the thing he was ultimately curious about wasn’t what he needed to reach his goal. It’s no different than buying a lovely dress online and only getting it and realizing it doesn’t fit. It still is a nice dress, but what will you do with it if it doesn't fit?

From here, he becomes curious again. Curiosity gets the wheels of the brain turning. He then second-guesses things and develops a narrative on why he should or shouldn’t stay. It will look something like,

It is as simple as that for men. 

In my opinion, the worst answer you can get from someone is they know they like you but they don’t know why they don’t want to be with you. That’s like going to a doctor knowing you’re sick but they can’t find what’s wrong. “What do you mean you can’t find what’s wrong with me?”

That’s worrisome. 

That means they will have to run tests, send you to other doctors, and so on until they deliver the bad news. For men, they don’t think, “I am going to work on what’s missing and then solve it.” They believe you are the reason. They know that much. They just don’t know what that reason is. Therefore, they look outside the relationship and become curious. 

I often get asked, “Okay, Elliot, I can understand that, but why suddenly? Last week, things were fine.”

There are two answers to this. One is simple and one is complex.

The simple answer is men usually feel some way, as I explain above, for weeks but never express it because there is more of a risk of bringing up a problem that may not end up being a problem. If people were to bring up everything on their minds, that wouldn’t be an efficient way to build connections, get what they want, and move forward.

I can remember a personal example of this when I was dating a girl in college. I was in the shower washing my hair when I first had doubts about us. However, I knew they were just thoughts — me just pondering and wondering. I didn’t say anything to her about it and I am glad I didn’t. We broke up a year later over something completely different. Those thoughts never entered my mind again.

The other, more complex reason is context. 

Context is defined as what you two do and say that layers over time and creates a serious vibe within a relationship.

Context is created through everything:

• Sex. How soon you have sex. How intimate the sex was.

• Connection. Conversations. Topics. Rapport. Depth. Empathy.

• Texting. Frequency of texting. Quality of text.

• Threading your lives together. Meeting family. Friends. Leaving stuff over at his house. 

• Future planning. Lovebombing. The pace.

You get the idea. With context, people change. You probably have experienced where you were talking to a guy for a month, and things were going well. Suddenly, he’s pulling away, making less effort, not initiating, and you know something has changed.

The context changed his narrative/environment. At first, the guy was having fun and enjoying your company. He liked you and what you two had. But with things getting serious, he has to take on more responsibility and make wiser choices because he realizes it’s getting serious, but you may not fit the role of the long-term soulmate. 

He asks himself questions:

• Is she the girl for me?

• Am I ready for a relationship?

• Do I want a relationship lifestyle?

• What do I get being in this relationship that I am not getting now?

• Do I want to cut off other women?

• Am I healed from my last relationship?

These questions are unnecessary without context. You’re just two people hanging out, having fun, and hooking up, so there is no reason to ask these yet.

Context isn’t good or bad, it’s neutral. It shows whether the guy is on the same page as you or not.

If the man is unsure, he gets curious and wonders what’s on the outside. He then starts to plan his journey. 

The Four Phases Of His “Journey”

Now, I will explain the “journey” a curious man will go on when the relationship doesn’t work out. 

Men go through an experience when they’re not talking to they current woman they were involved with. Whether that’s because she did no contact or he’s pulling away, he needs to escape, experience this escape and reflect. 

The two most common questions I get from women during this are:

• What does he think during this?

• Will he miss me/come back?

To help illustrate this, let me help show you a picture of how the usual process goes for men when going on this journey by showing the four phases they go through:

Phase One: Current Mood

When you and a man are no longer talking, this is where the process begins. He will have different ways of interpreting things and may develop a gameplan that benefits him. Afterall, he has a narrative that this relationship wasn’t best for him so he’s not going to be eager to run back. In fact, he’s not going to think much of it unless he can get a benefit out of it.

The top three gameplans are usually:

• “I don’t care/just leave me alone.” He could be feeling this because there is a reason why he’s pulling away and acting differently. He just wants to experience or search for why he pulled away and doesn’t want to be bothered.

• He may try to negotiate to keep you around: To minimize his losses, he may try to have his cake and eat it too by creating space but not completely ending it. He may “need time,” or you two may agree to a “break” for him to disconnect. But please, trust me: he’s talking to other women during this time. They always do. 

• I have no risk, so I do what I want. If you’re talking to a guy who is unsure about you but, at the same time, knows he has you, he can leave and do whatever he wants. He doesn’t have that much risk because he believes he can come back, and you will be there. 

Your job is NOT to change his mood. As you can see from the next few phases, that happens naturally with time.

Phase Two: He’s Adapting To The New Outcome

Now, he’s starting a life where you’re gone. He still has the same mindset where he’s unsure. He’s just exploring it now. Think of it like a test run. This is the first official test run where he’s experiencing day-to-day shit without you there.

This is an essential step for you to understand because if you were someone who always gave him chances, came back, gave him the benefit of the doubt, or let this bullshit run for too long, this step may take a while because he’s going to adapt that third gameplan I wrote above. 

How long? I am not sure. It could be a couple of months. If you’ve come back before, let him back in, given him a lot of power, or anything like that, he doesn’t fear losing you yet.

If you gave a man a couple chances and he still messes up, you want to be the one stepping back and having him think twice. That takes time and convincing (by staying away):

When enough time goes by, he will reflect.

So many women will mess this up during this stage and wonder why a man never returns or when he does, pulls away again. It’s because you’re showing him your cards. You’re showing him you’re waiting around. 

During this stage, men will start to date, entertain women, work on himself, and think about you here and there but more in terms of, “What is she up to,” instead of running back. 

Phase Three: He Starts To Reflect

The reason humans reflect is to avoid regret. It’s a powerful mechanism we gathered from evolution. The reasons humans got as far as we did is we are able to reflect, learn and adapt from our mistakes at a much faster pace than any other species. 

You can only regret something if you realize you made the mistake. Think of this like a business hiring a guy and doing a quarterly progress report on him. They want to ensure they made the right hire before going any further and taking a loss. 

He will start to reflect:

• Was it worth it?

• Are the assets worth the cost of a relationship?

• Did I take her for granted?

• Was she one of the best options I had, and I am just a moron?

• Were the assets worth the cost?

• Was I happier when she was around?

• What do I want? Am I even sure what I want or am I just afraid?

Time away allows him to ask himself these questions, process his feelings, and make a decision. This is usually when he is alone, whether in bed, watching TV, sitting at home on a Saturday night, bored at work, or driving. He will reflect on whether he made the wrong call in not treating you better and not abiding by your request.

If he realized he made a mistake, he MIGHT come back. The only reason I said he might is a guy can miss you but realize it’s not worth it. 

For example, there were plenty of times when I didn’t want a relationship, and the girl I was talking to eventually ended it because I couldn’t give her what she wanted. As much as I liked her and still wanted to keep talking, it wasn’t worth coming around and going into this vicious cycle again. Neither of us changed. She still wanted a relationship, and I didn’t.

Men during this stage will maybe reach out, definitely snoop to see what you’re up to, wonder if you’re talking to anyone else, see if you’re on a dating app, maybe find reasons to contact you (the typical holiday text for example) and so on.

This brings us to the last step.

Phase Four: Is He Going To Act On It?

He may return if he realizes he is a fool and had a good woman. If he wanted a relationship and took you for granted, you may hear from him soon. 

As promising as this sounds, I want to emphasize something I said earlier:

Just because he’s back and talking to you doesn’t mean you win. It doesn’t mean anything has changed. Yeah, he could have missed you. He realizes you’re an awesome-ass chick and that’s hard to come by. But is he going to commit? Has he changed due to reflecting on the situation?

It only matters if he says the following:

• I fucked up and I am sorry.

• It wasn’t you, it was me.

• The reason is….(gives you a reason).

• It won’t happen again because (he has to provide you with a reason that shows he grew or reflected on it).

• I am ready to commit.

If you don’t get all five of these, you will have a guy do it again. 

It’s great that he’s back, but for what? If he doesn’t want a relationship, nothing is accomplished.

Men Return Due To Outcome Valence

Outcome valence refers to an outcome's perceived positive or negative value in decision-making. In relationships, it’s how someone evaluates whether a choice (like pulling away or ending things) was the right or wrong move based on how things unfold afterward.

For example, when a man pulls away from a woman, his outcome valence depends on what happens next:

• If life without her feels worse (he misses her, she thrives without him, he doesn’t find better options), the outcome valence is negative → He may regret leaving and reconsider his decision.

• If life without her feels better (she chases him, he enjoys freedom, he finds someone else), the outcome valence is positive → He sees leaving as the right choice and moves on.

What does this mean for us?

Well, if we want to increase the chances of his outcome valence being negative, several things must happen:

The first is to increase the risk of him making the wrong decision. We do this by being silent, holding our ground, and not letting him back in. The reason men pull away in the first place isn’t only due to being unsure about a woman. It’s also due to the low risk of making the wrong decision due on the chances a woman would take him back. Men believe they can go see what’s out there and return if the woman has shown signs that she’s heavily invested in the man and willing to take him back. 

What does this look like? I said it a couple of times already, but it is so important to understand. If you have done the following things, he probably feels he “has you” in some way:

• You took him back before.

• You gave him chances he doesn’t deserve.

• You let him get away with shit.

• You say you’re only talking to him and being exclusive but not in a relationship.

• You put more effort in than he does.

• You’re not being courted.

• You give the assets away for free.

• You have hope that things will work out and he knows it.

I am not saying it’s your fault things have turned out the way they did because that wouldn’t be true. However, your lack of standards or structure due to your emotions will give a guy an idea that he can do as he pleases without consequence. 

The whole dating “game” is about risk avoidance: Can I get the woman/man I want while taking minimal risk during the journey to find that person?

This benefits him. Not you. Therefore, we have to make sure he doesn’t feel that way by doing out part and holding our ground if he pulls away. 

As I said, if a man is doing this and needs to pull away, I’d be done with him. The odds of him doing it again or extremely high, and it’s not worth the effort.

If you’d like to work with me where we take a deep dive into your situation, please schedule a 1:1 private hour with me here. I’d love to help you.